Through The Looking Glass

For Shits and Giggles

2004-06-19T00:12:00.000-07:00

Just for fun, I thought I'd post the link to "The Phantom Menace: Humorous Version". Helps if you're really familiar with how the script was actually written, but it is hilarious none the less! See if you can guess which part of this I wrote.

Thom Filicia, eat your heart out!

2004-06-15T22:43:00.000-07:00

"Everybody knows that it's now or never
Everybody knows that it's me or you
Everybody knows that you'll live forever
When you've done a line or two..."
'Everybody Knows' ~ Leonard Cohen (covered by Don Henley)

I swear, you don't check the blogs for a day or two and you miss a lot of stuff!

I can definitely side with Eric on the issue of the sheer arrogance and unbelievable pretentiousness of San Ramonians. I decided to go food shopping at Whole Foods and it nearly blew me away how rude, arrogant, and unbelievably self-centered those people were! I don't know how people can work there and deal with these people day in and day out. Much like my bretheren on the freeway, these people stand in your way for no reason whatsoever, or cut you off, or look down their noses at you if you happen to move your cart ahead of them. But unforunately unlike the freeway scenario I didn't have the soundproofing of my car to mute my snarled obscenities concerning their immediate family relatives and certain barnyard animals so I gritted my teeth until I got out of there.

And if you think Borders and Whole Foods are bad, you should see the parking lot.

Are people really this self-centered and blind to other people or is this deliberate? Have we as a society taken the attitude of "don't step on me" and twisted it out of proportion? I swear, the times when I happen to be in someone's way and I said "Oh, I'm sorry," they looked at me like I was speaking German. Is politeness a thing of the past as well? Makes me wonder if this stigma continues what extremes it might take. Now there's a lot that I can take when it comes to tolerance save for a few choice things that manage to bypass my shields to push my button: the sound of people clearing their throats repeatedly, people smacking gum, people chewing with their mouthes open, people breathing audibly, and people acting holier-than-thou (or at least holier-than-moi) and loarding it over me. I've been told that I come across as smug, and I can see that. I like moving with a sense of confidence and poise. But when it comes down to it, internally speaking, I don't see myself as being better than anyone else. I have a deep respect of being humble. I don't like to power-up or put myself on airs because to me it's the worst kind of arrogance. But thanks to years of public schooling and being the kid that was the easy target to be picked on and made fun of, now when someone tries to power-up against me I go into a blind rage. For some reason I have a hard time brushing it off because it zips past my defenses and pulls at strings that, surprisingly, are still as sensitive as they were 14-odd years ago.

In other news, I have finally purchased furniture for my apartment! Here's what I'm putting in my living room... (I apologize that the pictures are so small, the bigger ones wouldn't show up)

Cream colored chaise lounge from Laz-y-Boy (with dark mahogany wood detail). This will go along the side of the wall near the window to the deck.

Matching cream colored couch from Laz-y-Boy (with dark mahogany wood detail). This will be along the wall facing the fireplace, perpendicular to the chaise lounge.

In the corner space between these two things I'm eventually going to put an end table (future purchase). Here's the one I've got my eye on right now at Furniture.com...

Next to the fireplace, facing parallel to the corner with the end table is the chair that I bought.

Reclining chair in chocolate brown leather (with tan wood detail) from Laz-y-boy. I'll put a matching end table next to the chair on the side not facing the fireplace. I'm also going to put a floor lamp next to the chair, one that faces upwards, but that has a small light that I can aim at the chair for reading.

Instead of doing a coffee table, I've decided on getting a floor rug in a true red to run diagonally across the room to touch both the couch, chaise, and chair. At some time I'm going to paint the wall sections with the couch and the chaise in a rich chocolate brown color and I'm toying with the idea of painting the rest of my apartment in a nice tan color to complement it.

//If you can visualize this so far without the aid of pictures, then pat yourself on the back! I had to draw this idea out several times before deciding on it//

If this works out the way I'm hoping that it will ... then Thom Filicia, eat your heart out!

"Hits you in a minute
Then you know you're in it
I've been in love before
I've been in love before
The hardest part is when you're in it"
'Been In Love Before' ~ Cutting Crew

The End of Innocense

2004-06-09T22:07:00.000-07:00

"You keep your distance with a system of touch
And gentle persuation
I'm lost in admiration
Could I need you this much?
Or are you wasting my time?
You're just wasting time
Something happens and I'm head over heels
I never find out till I'm head over heels
Something happens and I'm head over heels
Ah don't take my heart
Don't break my heart
Don't throw it away"
"Head Over Heels" ~ Tears for Fears

My apologies to all who actually read my blog that I haven't updated in so long. For some reason my nights are now crammed with food shopping, making dinner, doing dishes, doing laundry, and somewhere shoved in the midst trying to find some time for myself. Is this what single life is supposed to be about? Seems like the more I push to get on top of things the higher the mountain of chores becomes. I know it sounds excessive, but I know that if I let it go the mess will just grow exponentially. Is there a piece of this that I'm missing?? Or am I really a closet Obsessive Compulsive hidden in a lazy person's body? Not that I'm looking to become a Stepford Wife, but there has always been a part of me that has to see everything as being clean and organized. Otherwise it's another tick in my mind and those add up so quickly that it seems that my life is spiraling out of control.

[insert roll of eyes here]

I'm curious to find out if it is actually a psychotic disorder. It's part of what keeps me up at night. Even during the day I'll be walking around and then suddenly start freaking out wondering if I paid all my bills or if I remembered to turn off the coffee maker. If I don't have the answer directly in front of me those thoughts don't go away. I think that's part of the reason why I like living alone. I can turn off the tv and the stereo and can just sit in complete silence, both internal and external.

But on to some positive stuff. The Prince concert was ASTOUNDING!! He is what I respect in musicians. No overly inflated ego (at least not anymore), the creativity to write his own music and the talent to play it as well. Just hearing the acoustic version of "Little Red Corvette" ... it was amazing to say the least. And we get to go see it again!! I swear we're becoming "The Groupies Formerly Known As".

What to look forward to this week? Not a whole lot. People are coming out tomorrow to spray for spiders. Again. (I swear my apartment is becoming a halfway house for arachnids!) Janet's graduation is on Saturday. I have to take my car in that day to get the oil changed. And .... that's about it.

"I made a fire and watching it burn
I though of your future
With one foot in the past now
Just how long will it last?
Now have you no ambition?
My mother and my brothers used to breathing clean air
And dreaming I'm a doctor
It's hard to be a man when there's a gun in your hand
Oh I feel so..."

Suffice it to say...

2004-06-01T22:13:00.000-07:00

ONE OF THE GREATEST MYSTERIES REVEALED...

Do you want to know why we single women are so moody, depressed, and volatile?

Because THIS is our dating pool.

'nuff said.

Domestically challenged

2004-05-31T21:28:00.000-07:00

"When are you going to come down?
When are you going to land?
I should have stayed on the farm
I should have listened to my old man
You know you can't hold me forever
I didn't sign up with you
I'm not a present for your friends to open
This boy's too young to be singing the blues..."
"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" ~ Elton John

So a few weeks have passed since I started living on my own. I think I'm finally used to it. It's to the point now that I don't even think about it. Another milestone turned in the generic Path of Life. This was something that I've looked forward to since I was 20. Now it's here and I find myself thinking in a way that probably dooms me from having anything long-lasting or permanent: 'What now?'. I guess the next plateau from here would be the steady relationship and from there a workable marriage but then what? Parenthood? Not bloody likely. Turning 30? 40?? 50?!? Retirement? I guess that is what scares me more than anything is that you think ahead of what your life will be and you dream as far as you can but soon you run out of major events in your life and you're left with the small ones. Going to Vegas for the weekend. Buying a newer car. Going out to dinner in the city on Friday night. At that point you're stuck in the bog of mundane existance and to me that's worse than death. Because the one thing that keeps me going is looking down the horizon to the next major plateau.

"What do you think you'll do there?
I bet they shoot down your plane
It'll take you a couple of vodka and tonics
To set you on your feet again
Maybe you'll get a replacement
There's plenty like me to be found
Mongrels who ain't got a penny
Sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground..."

Well thanks to the voice of reason I'm back to searching for love in all the wrong places. Since playing Prince of Persia: Sands of Time I've been thinking of changing up my tastes from the standard WASP-y types that I always chase to a bit more ... ethnic. //Yes, I know, it's probably the lamest thing you've ever heard of. I completely agree. But oddly enough I find inspiration in the strangest of places.// Perhaps a more European geneology like Greek or Russian could do me good. //But do not doubt that the thought that I can hardly date a resident native slims the chances that I can find someone more middle Eastern to put up with me doesn't rattle in my head like a pinball game on speed.// It's dawned on me that I don't want a relationship that is on the fasttrack to marriage right now. I find that I quite enjoy living on my own and having time away from everything and everyone else. But that damned romantic need that I've been starving for several years is coming back to bite with a vengeance.

"So goodbye yellow brick road
Where the dogs of society howl
You can't plant me in your penthouse
I'm going back to my plow
Back to howling old owl in the woods
Huntin' the hornyback toad
Oh I've finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellow brick road..."

Yet as I sit here alternatively writing this and doing my laundry it leads me to think that maybe I might be okay with getting married someday. Learning to live with somenone may be a thorn in my side but perhaps I could do it. //Given that I can find someone who can live with me of course, which I can assure you that unless they're deaf, masochistic, and has more patience than God Himself, that doesn't stand a chance in hell.// After all, I never learned how to do laundry and I never thought myself capable but here I am on a Monday night (10:28 to be exact) doing just that! But if my aptitude of learning to live with someone is anything like my ability to do laundry it leads me to think that my future relationships will be stiff, shrunk, and an odd shade of pink.

2004-05-29T04:13:00.000-07:00

This was interesting to discover ... though I can't say that I'm surprised that I got this one...

Bad Boy - Your ideal guy is the rebellious and
muscular bad boy. He's into living life outside
the lines - and having fun doing it.
Turn ons: You'll enjoy being wrapped up in those
biceps.
Turn offs: He might not always stay true to you,
and those motorcycle rides can seriously screw
up your hair!

What is your ideal type of guy? (With Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

Conveniently Busy

2004-05-27T21:56:00.000-07:00

"Hey you
Out there on the road
Always doing what you're told
Can you help me??
Hey you
Out there beyond the wall
Breaking bottles in the hall
Can you help me??
Hey you
Don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall..."
'Hey You' ~ Pink Floyd

That's it. I've given up. Yet another date facilitated by match.com and it has ended as all the others have: over before you can blink. How did it go? Thankfully it wasn't as disasterous as my other headlining dates. His hair was the same color in his picture. He didn't buy me vodka in a plastic bottle. He didn't try to introduce his tongue to my mouth fifteen minutes within meeting him, and he didn't seem to hold any personal love of shoes. So what was the problem?

He was boring.

We had a pleasant chat. He talked about his work and how he doesn't have the time schedule to deal with a high maintenance girlfriend (yes, I know what you're thinking but it's been several years since I've been someone's girlfriend so I don't think you can still classify me as 'high maintenance') and he's just interested in meeting people. That was it. He held the same tone of voice for the entire evening. He didn't seem to get too excited about anything (man could make Gandhi look like a heroin addict in withdrawl). And that was it. Before you think it, it wasn't a physical issue. He was actually kind of cute (except that it looked like he shaved the sides of his face and the top of the chin, but had five-o-clock stubble under his face). If he had shown more signs of life beyond that of a still pond I could have actually pictured something (with the small exception that he's a friend of the hooka).

So I'm done with internet dating. I'm tired of getting my hopes up just to have to find some kind of cheap excuse to get out of a bad date. At best the guys that I meet (with the exception of those that I've really liked but I didn't meet their standards ... oh, the irony.) hit about 5 out of 30 of my standards. Are my standards too high? Undoubtedly so. Should I lower them? I should, but I'm not going to. What I want may be a fairy tale, but damnit it's my fairy tale. //That's the problem with us Scorpio women: we'll cling to illusion until you have to pry our cold dead hands off of it.// I'd rather hold to my daydreams in hope that they could happen someday rather than lowering my standards and settling. //Does this seem unbelievably arrogant and snobbish? Absolutely. But look at it this way: if the person that you fell in love with turned around and told you on the eve of your wedding day that this day could only happen because they lowered their standards to accept you, how would you feel?//

What am I looking for? I'm looking for a relationship that just happens on its own, not because two people are trying to create one. In my head I can imagine working a late night on a huge project with a coworker and looking up over the spreadsheets and for the first time notice how green his eyes are. In my daydreams I picture walking around the city with a guy, drinking coffee, and watch his lips touch the straw and suddenly wonder what they would feel like. I want to be in a screaming match with a guy that I'm sure that I hate, then find myself kissing and being kissed breathless. I want all the unease and curiosity of discovering a hidden attraction. //After all, there's nothing I love more than the chase.//

Sound to Harlequin romanc-y? Probably is. But that's what you get growing up reading about love and romance without experiencing it.

On a lighter note, downtown Santa Cruz is quite interesting. It's like downtown Berkeley, but with slightly less traffic. People of all different colors and shapes walk along the sidewalks, being entertained by people playing guitars and banging cans. The shops are individual and interesting, and the only two chain stores are a tiny Starbucks and the Gap. It's an interesting place for someone who's never been to San Francisco and want to get a taste of what strolling down the streets of the city is like. However as I was sitting and waiting for Matt to arrive I noticed that sometimes it took me a good two to three minutes of staring at someone till I could tell what gender they were. Some people that I saw walking along the streets looked so androgenous that I'd be afraid of addressing them as anything other than "Excuse me...".

"You said you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
You said you want
Your story to remain untold
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you..."
'All I Want Is You' ~ U2

2004-05-24T23:27:00.000-07:00

obsessive compulsive

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Probably something we always knew about me, but nice to think that complete strangers can pick it up so quickly. It's late tonight and I'm waiting for the paranoia to pass so I can go to bed, so I'll post tomorrow night.

"I just don't know what to do with myself..."

2004-05-23T02:30:00.000-07:00

"You always wanted a lover
I only wanted a job
I've always worked for a living
How am I going to get through?
How am I going to get through?"
"What Have I Done To Deserve This?" ~ Pet Shop Boys

I'll tell you what, it's rather startling how very little self-control I have at times.

This weekend is starting to be one of rather interesting revelations. Yesterday (Friday) while going club-hopping with Eric (which was a hell of a blast! I never thought I'd enjoy cruising the city on foot but we had so much fun!) I discovered some rather ponderous things that have never cross my mind before (of which I'll go into detail later). But first let me cover tonight while I have it in vivid detail in my mind...

Joel called. I've been feeling bad that I still have his cd's and I've been wanting to get them back to him so if we end communication at least I won't have anything that he'll be needing (for those of you who remember the guy from Connecticut that I had that awkward and torrid 'relationship' with, you can apprecite my need to do this). However on my way over there I realized that I was in a ... frisky ... kind of mood. After a little introspection I figured that if Joel (who has the personality of Seagrave and who moves at the speed of Tim) wanted to play that I wouldn't mind. After all, we had mutually agreed that we weren't looking for a relationship with each other. (Yes, I know, those of you who know me in my relationships are throwing up red flags by now, but let me continue.) Anywhoo I picked him up from his apartment. He's still rather cute, still rather fun, but he's died his hair jet black. We wound up going to a cocktail bar and I could tell that he was wrapping his mind around something so I ask what it was. He told me that he's been wanting to make out with me since I arrived that night. While I was rather flattered I knew something was up with this as he hasn't called me in nearly two weeks. I explained to him that I was rather flattered and after about two more martinis that I don't think I'd turn him down, I told him that we both knew that I wasn't what he wanted. I started probing into why he had this desire and he told me that out of all the girls that he's met in his time up here that I was the only one who could think "outside the box". That I was the only one that he could actually have a conversation with. I could tell that he was rather depressed and I figured that it was because he used to have a girlfriend that could appreciate his type of lifestyle. I felt bad for him and I was rather shocked to find that there was a part of me that wouldn't mind conceding to what he wanted just to make him feel better but I knew that a) it would be a temporary patch at best and b) if I had used logical thinking at the time I could easily detect that that wasn't what I wanted at all. So instead we chatted about life and philosophy and I listened to some of his new music. But the part that really got to me was when he turned to walk me to my car and he took my hand. Suddenly the realization came crashing down on me that I really missed that. Not specifically from him, but I miss the sensation of holding hands with a guy. (Oh Lord, how sappy does that sound??) That's when I realized that I wasn't in the state of mind that I could trust myself to be around anything male. Even when Aaron text message me to see if I wanted to swing by and I found a part of me considering both going over there and the possibility that something else could happen I knew that I had to head straight home. Now, an hour later, I've found that I'm not in that frame of mind any longer, so I can't tell if I was acting like that because the opportunity was available to me or because of the martinis. But I'll tell you what, I can't begin to relay how nice it was just to be told that I was wanted (albeit from the wrong reasons). The last time that happened ....

Which brings me to my second revelation of the weekend. I love getting into psychoanalytical talks with Eric. (this isn't the revelation by the way, this is a known fact, but I'm getting to the revelation) Friday night as we were driving to Hubcaps for an early breakfast after dancing we got on the subject of friendship and we were talking about what we valued in the friends that we had/have. I had told him that one of the reasons why I missed Seagrave was because we were great friends at one time. I told him that I really missed how he would ask me about my day, that he would get me to talk and show an interest in what I was saying. I told Eric that if nothing else we were good friends when alterior motives weren't involved. Then Eric turned around and asked me when alterior motives weren't involved and after some pondering on this it dawned on me: there were always alterior motives, both on his side and on mine (I'm taking equal blame here). Even thinking about it now is painting it in a whole new light. I always thought of what we shared as friendship beucase I couldn't think of it any other way, and yet I always wanted to spend time with him because he was fulfilling a part of me that I thought was friendship when in reality (to me) it was something more. //I'm going to ramble here because I'm still working this one through in my head, so forgive me if this comes across as unintelligble babble// And now, thinking back on my friendship with Brian I'm remembering my friendship with Tim and it's quickly becoming apparent to me that I need to separate friendship and desire. I need to have someone in my life that I can share desire with and I need to have friends in my life to have friendships with and they need to be two completely separate entities. (not to say that I can't be friends with the person that I'm involved with, but I think you're catching on to what I'm alluding to. If not, let me know and I'll try to go into more detail) I'm fast in realizing now that I've had this 'friends and more' relationship with the guys that I've been interested in in the past. I'm also realizing that I can't (and shouldn't) be in that kind of friendship with another guy because 1) if there is 'and more' to be had then it should be a functioning relationship not just a friendship and 2) it contaminates the friendship because then there are alterior motives involved.

So thank you Eric for dropping this bomb of a revelation on me. I think I need some Tylenol now. (Seriously, thank you. It's a little much for me to wrap my head around right now but it's been a very illuminating discovery. And yes, this is probably something that I should have known all along, but as we can tell I wasn't born with the gift of perspective when I'm not outside of the problem.) With that, however, I think I'm off to bed. I didn't get up until 3pm today and I actually need to get stuff done in the morning (besides my bed looks sooooooo damn comfortable right now ... if there are no more damn spiders that is) But before I go, allow me to list the songs that I thought were unfairly listed on VH1's 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs" list ...

1) "Sunglasses at Night ~ Corey Hart (#50) - I'm not saying that the 80's didn't have some really cheesy lyrics (hey that's 80's music for you! You're not looking for depth and creativity if you're wanting anything from the 80's, are you?) but I dare you to find one person who didn't either sing along when the song is on the radio or who actually tried wearing sunglasses at night just to see what could inspire someone to write a song about it.

2) "We Didn't Start the Fire" ~ Billy Joel (#44) - This song actually helped me pass some history test, so I'll stand in defense of it.

3) "What's Up" ~ 4 Non Blonds (#40) - JB, this is for you babe!

4) "Sussudio" ~ Phil Collins (#24) - As they said on the show, you'll sing along to this song even if you can't figure out what the hell a 'sussudio' is. Fun song!

5) "Heart of Rock and Roll" ~ Huey Lewis and the News (#10) - Cheesy, yes, but still a fun song!

...and finally...

6) "We Built This City" ~ Starship (#1) - Even I'll admit that if you look at the history of this band and try to juxtapose this song next to, say, "White Rabbit" it's a bad song in comparison. However for what it was it was a fun song. (Hey, Grace Slick was actually sober for this one!)

Bonne nuit!

"I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I think I've figured out
I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter but I'm thinking about
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don't love me anymore..."
'Heart of the Matter' ~ Don Henley

Right on the money!

2004-05-22T04:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I haven't posted in a day or so and I intend to, but I just took another quiz that I thought was dead on. Have fun with it! It'll be interesting to see what we all got.

Nerdslut

What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

2004-05-19T22:12:00.000-07:00

"Love, I get so lost sometimes
So much wasted
And this loneliness fills my heart
I get so tired
Working so hard for our survival
I long to return with you
To keep me awake and alive
And all my instincts they return
And the grand facade so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside..."
'In Your Eyes' ~ Peter Gabriel

Here's me to date: I'm sick. My head feels like it's imprisoned in a bell jar. My muscles ache, indicating a coming fever. My head is pounding. I probably won't be able to get to bed until damn near midnight. There was yet another spider in my kitchen. But I've never been happier. MY DAD GOT THE JOB!!!!!

...//pause to take clothes out of dryer//...

HOLY FREAKIN' COW!!!! He starts Monday, benefits kick in as soon as he starts so my mom can get in to a doctor, and they don't have to move!!! Let me tell you it was sooooo nice to see my mom and my dad smiling once more. Of course now they happen to be in the market for real estate in California once again, but they think they'll probably rent a two/three bedroom apartment. (We even kicked around the idea of them moving into the same apartment structure that I'm in. Then I stopped and realized that just because we're Italian, doesn't mean that we have to live like the stereotypical Italian family. Some space would be best.)

Of course now the paranoid side of me is on edge. We've been through this yo-yo cycle with job prospects before. It's still in the "too good to be true" dream state that I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Perhaps that's why I'm not as excited as I should be (or maybe it's the flu coming on). 'Cause nothing hurts more than getting your hopes up just to have them come crashing down again. Feeling your hope being crushed is the most bitter and most brutal of poisons. But still, it was nice to see my family smile again.

Well, I had better keep this one short. Still doing laundry, but think I will try to lay down in between loads. (Yes, I'm actually doing laundry. Of course I thought that the washer was broke because the power was running but there was no water coming through. Turns out I had to turn on the water. Jessica Simpson, eat your heart out!) But since the mythical creature quiz took off so well, I thought I'd add another one.

Hasta manyana!

Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but
its there, and your friends can see it. You
constantly feel alone, and need to do things to
fill your time. Your afraid to tell people
this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad
way, and you think you screwed up everything.
And when you are in love is when you are sad
the most. (Please Vote)

What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Side effects? What side effects??

2004-05-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

"I don't need no arms around me
And I don't need no drugs to calm me
I can see the writing on the wall
Don't think I need anything at all
All in all you're just another brick in the wall..."
'Another Brick in the Wall Pt. 3' ~ Pink Floyd

Alrighty everyone this post won't be long as it feels like the French Revolution is rampaging in my skull. As I am unbelievably envious of Eric's nice blog set-up this one will inevitably change (although I do love the pic). As I don't have the capability to do what his does, here is my attempt at recommendations...

Song of the Day: 'Sugar' (live version) ~ Tori Amos

Word of the Day: surreptitiously

Thought of the Day: Do animals have a conscience?

Weird fact of the Day: The average human products 25,000 quarts of saliva in a lifetime, enough to fill two swimming pools.

I'll post more tomorrow.

Ciao!

"So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail
A smile from a veil
Do you think you can tell
Or did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts
Hot ashes for trees
Hot air for a cool breeze
Cold comfort for change
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage
How I wish
How I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls swimmin' in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found
The same old fears
Wish you were here..."
'Wish You Were Here' ~ Pink Floyd

Aha! A clue!

2004-05-18T21:40:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you what, these quizlets are great! Ironic that it should pic this one, though.

Phoenix:
Phoenixes are litterally birds of fire. They are
brave and majestic and have the ability to be
reborn from their own ashes. You are strog
willed an confident- a true leader. Although
you can get down in the dumps occasionaly you
are never there for long. Many people flock
around you and like you as a friend.

What Mythological Creature Are You (Many Results and Beautiful Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-05-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

Some of you may like this. Didn't get the one that I thought I would (my favorite: Athena) but I can't say that I'm complaining.

Hades

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

A Bottle of Red, A Bottle of White...

2004-05-17T21:50:00.000-07:00

"Red red wine
Go to my head
Make me forget that I
Still need her so

Red red wine
Stay close to me
Don't let me be alone
It's tearing apart
My blue, blue heart..."
'Red Red Wine' ~ UB40

Pardon me while I try to choke down these horse pills of Nyquil...

It's amazing how much better I sleep now that I'm no longer at home. I don't know why and I can't begin to explain it. With the small exception of Sunday night where a couple of spiders saught to terrorize me to the early dawn, I've actually been sleeping pretty well. I don't know if it's just from not being at home, or if I actually am starting to be comfortable with living on my own. (Or the fact that I finally destroyed and replaced my green sheets.) Living on my own is strange in that it gives me an abundance of free time and yet it consumes it as well in maintenance. Thanks to my dishwasher erupting like Mt. Vesouvious I now have to wash dishes by hand. I haven't attempted to do laundry yet. That's my trial for tomorrow.

I still can't believe my good fortune of late. I have to admit I'm rather relieved of the thought that my family might be able to stay here. The first few nights on my own were rougher than I care to admit staring at the fact that I'm going to be alone in California. I know my sister would prefer to stay here, even though she claims she's sick and tired of color guard. [Yeah. That'll stick.] It's strange because I can clearly remember the night that I went to Eric's house feeling utterly lost and trampled because my job wasn't showing signs of going permanent and my family had to suck up all of their savings to afford to live here a few months longer. And yet here I am now on the other side of the spectrum. It just serves to remind me how people always preach about "having faith" and "trusting God to pull you through". Not that I'm about to argue that He didn't come through in the end (did He ever!) but I wonder if those people suffer lapses in faith when they reach the end of their ropes. It's easy to say to the crowd that "God will get me through" but to put your unrelenting trust in something you can't see, hear, or touch in times of trouble may just be a bible story after all.

"Too many hearts are broken
A lover's promise never came with a maybe
So many words are left unspoken
The silent voices are driving me crazy
As for all the pain you caused me
Making up could never be your intention
You'll never know how much you hurt me
Stay a minute can't you see
That I want to fall through the stars..."
'Stars' ~ Simply Red

Well, I may have another date this week. Quelle suprise that it would be another "romance via internet". I don't know, I go through a myriad of emotions with every one and yet they all seem to follow the same pattern. I find one that I'm interested in and I complain if they take several days to respond. If things progress well and we set a day to meet in person then I start to think that it's really just a waste of time and that I really don't want a significant other. As for the actual meeting it's a coin toss, really. On one side if it turns out that I'm not actually attracted to him then I have to go through the awkwardness of trying to end the night early and then having to systematically end communications. And the other side of the coin? This side turns up less frequently but it's just as bad. This is the side where the guy turns out to be quite charming and attractive and I become hooked. But for some reason or another I'm not up to their standards. Some could argue that it's the bitter taste of my own medicine and I'll be the first to agree. So why do I continue the pattern of disappointment? Because I'm a sucker for romance. And yet oddly enough I don't think I could ever get caught up in it again because now I see it from an outside point of view. I see how it evolves, I can tell it by the signs, I know the emotions that are supposed to come into play and it is because I know all this I highly doubt I can be "swept up" in some "sweet romantic moment" because I'll either spot it coming and be actively thinking of how I should react or I'll be trying to instigate it. Really sucks the fun out of dating.

I actually wasn't trying to turn this post into a lengthy lament on the woes of dating, so I should probably curtail this. I think it is more sleep deprivation talking than some actual melancholy. I apologize that this setup doesn't have an option to post comments and replies; I'm still looking for a template that I like that will allow me to do so. I'm curious to hear people's responses to my rants. I also still need links to everyone's blogs.

Bueno sera!

WARNING: Side effects for taking the red pill are as follows...

2004-05-16T02:14:00.000-07:00

"...There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child has grown, the dream has gone
And I have become comfortably numb..."
'Comfortably Numb' ~ Pink Floyd

Okay, after all my complaining about people only interacting through text I've folded my hand. So here I am, creating my own blog and please forgive the lameness as it is 2am and I am just now creating this. I'm not even really sure what to write or if I'll be able to keep this updated. [And Eric, please excuse the bad grammar.] So wonderful news!! After so long of waiting and freaking out it has finally arrived ... MY JOB OFFER!!!! I can't believe it!! I was caught somewhere between laughing and crying when I saw it. The whole concept of me going permanent in my job was becoming something of a pipe dream, so much so that I had to run my hand over the paper a few times to make sure that it was real. //Quick side note: I'm claiming artist rights on this. If anything in here sounds overly dramatic that's just how I write. So if you don't like drama, I recommend going here.//

"...You used to be on fire now you chill me to the bone
We used to fly like angels now we're sinking like a stone
You say you're trying to help me but that ain't the way it feels
I think you're trying to kill me with those stiletto heels
Paint the town black babe, and let the pendulum swing
I've been stabbed in the back babe
And if you don't love me I'll never feel a thing..."
'Kingdom of Desire' ~ Toto

If you haven't guessed yet, I love to add lyrics that I love or that I think paint a good reflection of what I'm thinking or feeling. You'll see them randomly through here. //The layout may change as well as I'm running through all the possible options.// Won't be long here as it is nearly 3am and my euphoria over my job going permanent is quickly fading in favor of sleep deprivation. I have to admit I'm rather looking forward to this week. Not only with the job situation, but I also have a possible date as well. So far nothing exciting; this is yet another connection via internet. It would just be nice for this one to be something worth mentioning. This week has brought to life the fact that I can feel really lonely at times. Of course a fair chunk of that was due to me coming to terms that I'm finally out on my own and that I won't be seeing my family as often //of which I am getting better with handling. The old saying continues to hold true, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone", but I've been acclimating myself to living alone and am finally coming to enjoy it// but last night while watching one of my sappy romance movies (Jewel of the Nile) I realized that the old romance bug is biting again. Of course this one is as bipolar as they come. When there is a guy I want that doesn't want me the need becomes so great that it is almost a tangible longing, however when I get someone that I sort of want all of the sudden I don't want a boyfriend at all. Too much work. Such a headache. Never satisfied, aren't I? And probably will never be, thank you very much. But in any case it's a date, isn't it? And if this turns out like all the rest of them ... hey, at least I'm now in a position that I can drown my desires in furniture shopping and apartment decorating!

...and now just for fun...

MELISSA'S "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" LIST

Sitting at dinner with Kleis, he told me of his list of five yummy guys who, if they came a knockin' at his front door, he is allowed to break his relationship commitment for a night of wild fun. So if I happen to stumble across a functioning relationship in the next while (insert skeptical laugh here) here is my "get out of jail free" list...

1. Ewan McGreggor - Yeah, like there was any doubt that he'd wind up at the top of my list. To borrow the endearment that Emma Thompson bestowed upon his other sexy counterpart, Liam Neeson: "That man is sex on a stick!".

2. Matt Damon - Despite his misfortune to get stuck in movies like "Stuck on You" I love this man. Talent and raw animal magnetism ... what more could a girl ask for?

3. Jonathan Rhys-Myers - I'm probably spelling his name wrong, but I only recently discovered him last night while watching "Bend It Like Beckam" for the first time. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. This public service announcement has been brought to you by "Velvet Goldmine", where we would like to remind you: do not watch this movie for plot but just for Jonathan Rhys-Myers and Ewan McGregor looking pretty wearing excessive amounts of glitter and not much else.

4. Orlando Bloom - Yes, it surprised me as well that he's slipping down my list. Don't get me wrong he's still pretty as ever, but I'm realizing that he has to be because his acting skills border on 'embarassing'. That and his current penchant for the 'fro has caused our beloved elf/swashbuckler/trojan prince (insert giggle here) to slip down to number 4 on this list.

5. Anton Chelnokov - "Who??" you ask? He is a gorgeous Russian blonde who performs with Cirque du Soleil's "Varekai". Unfortunately he is only 19. So while he is undoubtedly pretty he will be admired as a girlish crush as I've no intention of changing my last name to "Robinson".

Hope you all have enjoyed my amateur foray into blog posting. I will try to post again tomorrow but no promises.